October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Personally, it is also the month of our darkest loss and greatest breakthrough. This first week of October is always full of big emotions for me. Grieving my three heavenly babies, and yet celebrating my four I get to raise here. Remembering what we’ve been through at a cellular level continues to bring seasonal waves of grief. And that’s okay. I can carry the ambivalence of all my gratitude and grief side-by-side.
Yesterday, as I sat across the table from Brett, I welled with tears of regret as I apologized for a decade of anxiety, tension, and fear I’d caused in our home. I sought forgiveness for ways I hadn’t trusted him in our parenting partnership and owned that my grappling for control has hurt our family. … Continue reading Putting on My Oxygen Mask First
Yesterday, the topic of abortion came up in conversation with our two oldest children, ages ten and nine. I’ve mildly dreaded discussing this topic because our children remember two of our late miscarriages and how traumatic it was to have our babies die. I didn’t know how it would go for them to find out … Continue reading Explaining Abortion to My Kids
Ten years ago today, I woke up hung over. I had been on a nearly forty day binge of drinking to numb my pain, confusion, shame, and heartbreak. As I sat up out of bed, I audibly heard the voice of God say, “Knock it off.” The fear of the Lord overtook me as I … Continue reading Ten Years to Hope
When we found out two years ago today that our fourth child, Timothy, had passed away, daffodils were in bloom everywhere. It was as if God was speaking to me about life in the midst of death. I cannot look at daffodils now without thinking of my three children in Heaven. Daffodils bloomed early this … Continue reading Don’t Deny Me
Now that Esther is a month old, I have people asking me if our older kids are still doing well with her, or if they still like the baby. I understand the question, but it makes my heart sad. Not only are Elle and Johnny still head-over-heels in love with their baby sister, but their … Continue reading Yes, My Kids Still Like the Baby
I have been so excited to share Esther's birth story for the past two weeks. I finally have some time to sit down and type it all out. Let me start by giving some background info. In 2008, when I was pregnant with Elle at just 22 years old, I planned for a more natural … Continue reading My Supernatural Cesarean Birth
shailey ratliff 