October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Personally, it is also the month of our darkest loss and greatest breakthrough. This first week of October is always full of big emotions for me. Grieving my three heavenly babies, and yet celebrating my four I get to raise here. Remembering what we’ve been through at a cellular level continues to bring seasonal waves of grief. And that’s okay. I can carry the ambivalence of all my gratitude and grief side-by-side.
Category: Miscarriage
Explaining Abortion to My Kids
Yesterday, the topic of abortion came up in conversation with our two oldest children, ages ten and nine. I’ve mildly dreaded discussing this topic because our children remember two of our late miscarriages and how traumatic it was to have our babies die. I didn’t know how it would go for them to find out … Continue reading Explaining Abortion to My Kids
New Season, New Do 💇🏻♀️
When my hair gets heavy enough that I’m getting headaches, I cut it. Otherwise, I let it grow because I love having it long. Last week, out of nowhere, the Lord gave me a vision of chopping my hair. It was clear, short, and the message was simple. I waited for a few hours to … Continue reading New Season, New Do 💇🏻♀️
Ten Years to Hope
Ten years ago today, I woke up hung over. I had been on a nearly forty day binge of drinking to numb my pain, confusion, shame, and heartbreak. As I sat up out of bed, I audibly heard the voice of God say, “Knock it off.” The fear of the Lord overtook me as I … Continue reading Ten Years to Hope
Esther’s Heart
I've waited to post because I needed a moment to process the sanctity of yesterday. Six months ago our perfect rainbow baby was born and we thought we were closing the chapter of hardship we'd been in for 21 months. Ten days later, Esther's pediatrician found a heart murmur and sent us to see a … Continue reading Esther’s Heart
Don’t Deny Me
When we found out two years ago today that our fourth child, Timothy, had passed away, daffodils were in bloom everywhere. It was as if God was speaking to me about life in the midst of death. I cannot look at daffodils now without thinking of my three children in Heaven. Daffodils bloomed early this … Continue reading Don’t Deny Me
My Supernatural Cesarean Birth
I have been so excited to share Esther's birth story for the past two weeks. I finally have some time to sit down and type it all out. Let me start by giving some background info. In 2008, when I was pregnant with Elle at just 22 years old, I planned for a more natural … Continue reading My Supernatural Cesarean Birth
Running Toward Fear
Tomorrow I will turn 31 years old. I couldn’t be more excited! In my last entry, I mentioned that I had huge hopes, declarations, and excitement for my 30th birthday. The past year has certainly had its victories and beautiful moments. But if I could really sum it up, I would describe the past 365 … Continue reading Running Toward Fear
Take a Moment to Remember
One year ago today, Brett and many lovely friends threw me a party to celebrate my 30th birthday. Due to sickness and weather, lots of the party details changed last minute and it was a bit stressful, but we choose to have fun and stayed up into late hours of the night dancing with some … Continue reading Take a Moment to Remember
Community: A Mother’s Blessing
Stories of unhealthy community from my past and the redemptive healing life healthy community has brought us in our most recent trials.