Putting on My Oxygen Mask First

Yesterday, as I sat across the table from Brett, I welled with tears of regret as I apologized for a decade of anxiety, tension, and fear I’d caused in our home.  I sought forgiveness for ways I hadn’t trusted him in our parenting partnership and owned that my grappling for control has hurt our family.  I shared my revelation and sadness that me trying to do everything solo in the past has hurt our family and myself. 

“Since having Emilia, I have felt another invitation from the Lord to trust those around me even more and acted on it.  The more I have let go of trying to do it all myself, the more life and freedom I have felt.  It is also highlighting the stress, bitterness, and anxiety I used to feel toward those around me as I struggled to do everything myself.”  It’s sad to admit, but after my first three were born, I tried to carry the burden of having a newborn by myself as much as possible.  I know I am strong and capable.  I wanted to show myself (and the world) that I am a “great mom” by proving how much I can handle.  This wasn’t always a conscious thought but was certainly present.  However, every time something went wrong or I got too overwhelmed, I felt fear, anger, and resentment growing inside me that caused anxiety. 

When Esther, our 3rd child, was nine months old, I began having panic attacks again after years of freedom from that level of anxiety.  I stopped sleeping and insomnia only worsened the panicky stress.  I knew I needed help.  I inquired the Lord about it and He invited me to give up social media and sugar.  I traded that time for soaking in the Word and journaling.  I also got medical help for the sleep issues and signed myself up to do the second year of the ministry school at our church (its a program intended to help with inner healing).  I knew this would cost my family dearly, and had fear about it, but I also knew something had to shift.

That year of investing in me changed a lot of monumental thinking patterns.  I began to learn the importance of self-care or putting on my oxygen mask first so I truly was able to attend to those around me in a healthy, stable way.  I realized I wasn’t truly breathing under all the pressure, and needed to increase my oxygen levels to survive and thrive.  I had never liked the term “self-care”, as it evoked pressure to spend money I don’t have for a sitter to watch my kids while I spend countless days at the spa.  That doesn’t feel like life for me, my family, or my wallet.  Instead, the Lord started talking to me about self-care being as simple as using the restroom when I need to pee instead of holding it for 4 hours. He also suggested truly life-giving things like getting outside for 15 minutes a day, sitting down in a chair to eat, and making space for fun with Brett, friends, and my kids (and possibly the occasional spa day, too).  There were many other revelations:

First, I realized that while I was at school, my family did fine without me controlling every detail of every day.  Brett is an incredible dad who does not do things “my way” but his way works just as great, sometimes even better than mine. Also, our kids benefitted tremendously from seeing me honor, trust, and respect their father enough to allow him in.  Unwittingly, I had been undermining his authority and demeaning him as a man in front of our children.  Showing them I trust him began to restore our family to the order God intended it.

Second, God showed me how beautiful my process is.  I fell in love with the journey I am on and began to truly delight in my own messiness rather than focus only on the destination.  I began to see the beauty in the everyday humanity of me.  I started taking time to feel my feelings real-time and communicate them, sometimes through snot and tears.  I found affection for my awkward self (especially teenage Shailey), my clumsy self (the areas I do not feel efficient), and my needy self (acknowledging I am human and that is good).  

Third, I began to see how much life there is when I invite others in.  I began asking those around me to help and opened myself up vulnerably to lean on those God had placed around me.  Doing this more intentionally has proven so life-giving the past two years, it’s mind-boggling I didn’t catch on sooner.  I used to quote Sebastian from The Little Mermaid as a life motto, “You want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself.”  At this point, I think my new personal quote would be, “If you want something done, share your vision and needs with those you trust and let them inspire you as you all work together to create greatness!”  Having another newborn and transitioning to a family of six has provided many real-time opportunities to practice these revelations and spiritual disciplines of self-care and I’m liking the fruit of it: a more happy, healthy, balanced, and alive mom and wife for my family.

I’m currently reading Parenting with Heart by Steven James and Chip Dodd.  They summarize this healthy idea of self-care beautifully:  “Self-care becomes an act of trust, and faith in God.  Practicing self-care is a practical way of living in obedience to the sixth commandment, “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.” (Exodus 20:8). We are made to rest. We are made to reflect. We are made to be renewed…The true benefit of incorporating this kind of discipline into our lives as parents is the emotional and spiritual benefit.  When we lean into risking self-care, we create the space for dependence on and intimacy with God.”

Overcoming Perfection

Photographer: Charis Sims

August 25th.  A date that holds so much emotion and history for us.  

In 2005, it was the day we went on our first date.  The evening was a train wreck and ended awkwardly, but the Lord had big plans for us so it was only the beginning.  Brett and I married nine months later at just twenty years old.  We weren’t walking with Jesus and both brought a myriad of dysfunctions, baggage, and pain to the table.  It wasn’t long before those issues began to manifest bad fruit in our marriage.  In 2008, after the loss of our first child, I encountered the living God and gave my life to Him.  Because Brett was raised in the church, he was able to talk the talk but was still living a secret life that left a disconnect between us.  Though I was now following Jesus, I didn’t know yet what it meant to have Him be Lord of my life.  I was still holding tightly to many things that weren’t life for me, including a destructive drinking habit.  

Then came August 25th, 2009.  The year prior had been a journey for me of learning how to honor Brett and pray for him.  His heart had been softened toward me and the Lord knew the right timing.  That night, while at a men’s Bible study, Brett listened to a message from John 8:31-32, “…the truth will set you free.”  In that moment, Brett made a powerful choice to risk everything and bring truth into the light.  He confessed all that he’d been hiding to the men in the group.  They graciously surrounded him, and prayed for him, but then the Lord instructed Brett that he wasn’t done.

Brett came home that night, sat down next to me, and proceeded to share all the lies he’d been hiding since before we were married and during our three plus years of marriage.  He confessed to taking off his wedding ring to go out with friends, secret struggles he’d hidden and more.  As he poured out his confessions, the tangible presence of Jesus was so real, sitting on the couch between us.  A supernatural grace fell on me to receive these nightmarish revelations and I sat quietly, listening, I was filled with compassion.  As Brett finished sharing, I looked over to our wedding photo and my heart broke.  I realized the perfect life I’d been working so hard to present to the world was forever tarnished, forever gone.  As I expressed this to Brett, he simply said, “I have been trying to change me for a long time and I haven’t succeeded.  I know I’ve given you every reason to leave me, but I’m asking that you’d stay and give Jesus a chance to change me and help us.”

In the weeks to come, we found a marriage counselor and went after our junk for the first time.  We got rid of all the alcohol in our home, finally admitting our drinking problems to ourselves.  We decided that for the time, worship music was the only thing to be played in our home as we needed the encouragement to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and not our problems or ourselves.  That first year was incredibly painful.  At times, I wondered if I would ever feel joy again.  One day, as I drove I was sobbing and crying out to the Lord.  I told Him that if He could promise me that Brett would never do this to me again, then I wouldn’t divorce him and I’d stay and work it out.  Jesus spoke to me in that moment and affirmed to me that I don’t get that promise.  He said, “I will not take away Brett’s free will.  What I will do is promise you that I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I will be with you in everything you ever face.  But you have to decide that is enough.”  That was the moment I realized what it really meant to ask Jesus to be the Lord of my life.

In 2012, at a conference, a prophet called us out of the crowd and gave us a word of encouragement from the Lord.  As he was prophesying, he looked at me and said, “the Lord says there is a date that represents immense pain for you.  He wants you to know that He intends to redeem and reconcile that date so faithfully that it becomes a day of celebration.”  Naturally, I lost it sobbing.  I knew He was referring to August 25th, 2009.  Although Brett and I were now happily married and working daily toward health, I still could not dream of how that day could ever be celebrated.  At that time, we had only ever shared with our mentors, counselor and pastors what we’d been dealing with.  At one point, our mentor’s pastor also prophesied that someday we’d share our story with the world and it would change millions of marriages.  Again, I simply couldn’t dream that big.

In 2013, we started a married couples life group.  Week by week, we grew closer to the other couples and the Lord asked us to begin to share our story.  We only shared small details at first but then the shame began to fall away and we began to share more and more.  We started seeing fruit of sharing our truth and over time, it became a delight to encourage others with what God had done for us.  In 2015, we were invited to share our story at the young adults service of our church and the response was overwhelming.  The freedom we now walk in encouraged everyone in the room.  We stayed for hours praying for others as they brought their issues into the light and asked us to believe with them for freedom.  It was exhilarating to share God’s goodness, then stand as a conduit of His Holy Spirit to connect other’s with the freedom and abundant life Jesus paid for for them.  We finally started to understand what God meant about His plans to redeem the date and work it for our good and His. 

As we started the year 2019, we knew God was prompting us to celebrate the ten year anniversary of our walking in truth, sobriety, freedom, and transformation.  God has so completely redeemed the date of August 25th that we only see it with gratitude now.  We are so thankful for His faithfulness to reconcile our marriage and restore our love to something far beyond what it ever even started with.  Our story is one of true love and the power of choosing life over death with truth, especially when it means the death of so many things we’ve previously held tightly to.  About a month ago, Brett reached out to a couple in our congregation and asked if they’d be willing to host a celebration at their home.  We were imagining something small and potluck style, given our lack of budget for the event.  They graciously challenged us to dream bigger and keep knocking on doors.  In the past three weeks, God and our community miraculously pulled together a vow renewal celebration that surpassed our wildest dreams!  Our people came together to make it happen and we are still in shock and awe at what beauty and blessing manifested.

In the spirit of transparency, I want to be honest that even this week, we weren’t sure our celebration would actually happen.  On Tuesday, Brett, Elle, and Johnny were diagnosed with the flu so we spent the week quarantined away from each other desperately trying to not spread sickness any further.  This meant I had the two little girls solo and all of us were exhausted and not sleeping well.  The weather was forecasting horrible storms for the weekend and at one point I melted into sobs asking the Lord for help.  He reminded me that the declaration of this being a day of celebration was His plan and it is simply my job to partner with Him in the fulfillment of that prophesy.  I reached out to my intercession friends and community asking for prayer and help.  Sickness cleared on Friday morning, the weather disappeared (as did a lot of the August heat), and the celebration went beautifully.  Standing with Brett at the alter, renewing our vows and actually understanding what weight our words carry, I was reminded of my fear that our “perfect” lives were ruined ten years ago when Brett shared his truth.  As Brett finished his vows to me, he said, “I have come to realize that while we are not perfect people, we are perfect for each other.”  I couldn’t agree more!

I want to end by giving thanks.  I am so thankful for God’s goodness, faithfulness, mercy, and love.  Giving Jesus my heart and my life is by far the best two decisions I ever made.  I have come to truly fall in love with my husband and together, with Jesus, we have built a beautiful, imperfect marriage, family and home that we love to host others in as we do real life together.  I no longer desire to live a perfect life (that’s not even a real thing), but to live a real life, fully alive to experience every joy, sadness, disappointment and victory.  Today, I am celebrating that we have overcome perfection, or the idea of it, and we have embraced being real, choosing life, and being present enough to experience it all personally, together, and with Jesus and His people.  Today, August 25th, 2019, is truly a celebration of ten years of beautiful, perfectly imperfect, abundant life.  I couldn’t be more grateful.  

Photographer: Charis Sims

Remembering Breakthroughs

Two years ago today, we purchased our first home.  This was a dream we waited eleven years for.  Emilia is two months old today.  She was our only baby that took a while to conceive.  As I reflected on these promised fulfilled today, it got me thinking about how important it is to remember our breakthrough moments, and God’s creativity in it all, regularly.

When we moved into our former house, I asked the Lord how long we would be there.  I heard Him say “seven”.  I didn’t know if that meant seven months, seven years, or something else entirely but I knew I’d heard Him.  As the years came and went I started wondering if it meant seven years, and felt discouraged by that.  I was thankful for the living situation but did not like the house itself and dreamed of owning our own.  In late April of 2017, the HVAC system went out completely, the plumbing began having severe problems, and it felt as if the grace for the house and its problems was gone.  I prayed and asked God what to do.  We’d been there for nearly 4.5 years but I felt the Lord say, “What would you do right now if I told you you were moving in one month?” I knew it was time to take some action and start cleaning out the house, packing and connecting with a realtor.  By June, we were under contract on the seventh and last house we looked at.  Once we moved into our dream home, I realized we purchased the home in the seventh month of 2017.  I love the intentionality of God.

In February 2018, I asked Brett about discussing being done with having children.  We prayed and asked God to unite our hearts with each other and His.  Within a few days, a dear friend pulled me aside and said she felt released to share a dream she had a while back.  In the dream, she saw me with a new baby on my hip and knew it meant we’d have one more.  She told me to feel free to interpret how I choose but that she’d been holding it until the Lord asked her to share at that time.  This, and the fact that I felt excited about being pregnant one more time, we the two miracles we needed.  We decided to have one more and started dreaming of having a winter baby.  To our surprise, we did not conceive in the first month as we had with our others.  In fact, we did not conceive for a while.  After five long months we finally had a positive pregnancy test (yes, I know some mamas have to wait years, but for us, this was a lot longer than our normal).  That time of waiting was so confusing.  Also, we felt strongly that the child would be a boy and when we found out we were expecting another girl, it was a shock.  Then in May of 2019, we welcomed our sweet Emilia James, our perfect number seven.  She has been a dream baby and everything we didn’t know we still needed.

So today I am reflecting and expressing gratitude.  I am thanking the Lord for His plans and blessings.  Thanking Him for being in every detail and the honor it is to co-create with Him.  I am also using these testimonies of dreams fulfilled to encourage myself.  Reflecting on God’s faithfulness and good plans encourages me to dream today while I am feeling overwhelmed by some issues ahead of me.  As I wonder how I will manage a full-time job alongside four children (a middle schooler, a grade-schooler, a preschooler and an infant!), I remember what crazy seasons we’ve navigated in the past and how faithful He is to walk us through them, if only we will quiet ourselves enough to hear Him lead.  I think this is also why sharing testimonies of breakthrough, dreams fulfilled and promises kept is so important.  It’s remembering these beautiful breakthroughs that get me excited for what is next!

Reasons We Date Our Children

Years ago, I had the idea of not only regularly dating and pursuing our kids (which we do) but annually taking them on a fancy date.  The kind where you get dressed up, go out to a nice sit-down restaurant and treat them to a lovely time.  I do not love celebrating Valentine’s Day between Brett and I (I’d prefer he and I pursue each other that way all year round when the cost of flowers and chocolates are not doubled) but thought we could use the annual holiday as a reminder that it is time to take the kids out.  Let’s be honest, if we aren’t intentional with things like this, they get away from us.  Also, February is a month without any of our family’s birthdays, etc so it’s a nice time of year to do something fun.  

We have been taking Elle and Johnny on these fancy dates for seven years now.  They have come to expect getting dressed up, taking pictures, and doing the whole romantic night out.  It’s become their norm that mom and dad would spend that kind of money on them and go to such lengths to spoil them with affection and adoration.  They know people (usually our servers and on-lookers at the restaurants) will compliment them on how nice they look and friends will honor them from social media posts.  Essentially, while this is not our normal dating ritual year-round, they have come to love these special times and are comfortable with the love and affection that comes with them.  They know they are worthy of it all.

And that is the point.  I desire for my kids to know that they are loved, wholly and completely, regardless of their performance, behaviors, successes, or failures.  I want them to know and expect that they’ll be treated with respect, kindness, and so much more.  Further, I hope to teach them that ALL humans are worthy of this same treatment.  This year was especially fun because it was Esther’s first fancy date.  She is two and doesn’t quite get the concept.  In preparation, we allowed Elle to go the night before so Esther could see what all goes down.  All the while I helped Elle with her hair, makeup, and outfit choices, Elle spent the time explaining to Esther that she would get to do the same tomorrow.  She described that daddy will likely have flowers or a special gift for her and to be sure to say “thank you”.  She told Esther that “you are a princess and daddy is like your prince.  He will take to you get some yummy food and tell you how wonderful and pretty you are the whole time.”  You see, Elle has already caught that there is more than enough love to go around.  She is not threatened that because Esther (and eventually Emilia) will have a turn with daddy that her time is diminished or any less special.  In fact, Elle even asked to add a movie to their date this year, fully expectant that Brett would love to do that with her.

Brett and I take our children out on these special dates to imprint in their hearts that this kind of love and affection should be their normal and that they can pass that same honor and abundance onto others without hesitation.  The Bible says that “We love, because He first loved us.” (1 John 4.19)  Our children will have the ability to pour out extravagant love to others because they have grown up in a home where they are extravagantly loved.  Because of this, my children will be world changers.

Lastly, there is also the practical side of this.  Someday, my children will go to their first school dances and get asked out on their first dates.  I want my children to know how to expect to be treated and how to treat the wonderful person on the other side of the table.  I want Elle and Esther to know it’s okay to stand back and allow a man to open her door, pull out her chair, and show other signs of honor.  I want Johnny to comfortably navigate a conversation with a lady at the table while asking questions and listening to the answers.  I desire for my children to walk confidently into these rights-of-passage moments in life knowing they are a prize to be delighted in and that the person they are with is equally loved by God and deserving of their honor too.  How will they know this if I haven’t taken the time to teach and model this myself?  

Lastly, I want my children to feel empowered to boldly stand up for themselves and others when they’re not being treated with honor.  The only way they can do this is if they’ve experienced enough real love to acknowledge and spot a counterfeit for what it is.  We consistently have conversations in our home about protecting others who cannot protect themselves and standing up for what is right at the hardest moments.  We don’t always get it right but we are certainly doing our best to love big and teach our children to do the same. 

Ten Years to Hope

Ten years ago today, I woke up hung over. I had been on a nearly forty day binge of drinking to numb my pain, confusion, shame, and heartbreak. As I sat up out of bed, I audibly heard the voice of God say, “Knock it off.” The fear of the Lord overtook me as I sobered immediately. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew I’d never be the same.

I realized recently that I hadn’t yet written about this part of my testimony in depth. However, I have been overcome with thanksgiving this month as I have reflected on my ten year journey with the Lord and I know it is time to be released. Our God, the creator of the universe, is the most intimate and intentional person we could ever know or come to love. Jesus Christ changed my life forever and I am delighted to share.

In 2007, Brett and I were still in our first year of marriage. We both had some serious drinking problems and spent six of our first twelve months of marriage apart. In this time, we both got into mischief and our relationship was mostly non-existent. I worked hard to keep up a facade that everything was perfect. He’d signed a contract with the Jets and had moved to New York. I stayed behind in Utah to finish my degree. Brett was out living up the single life with the other rookie players and I was at home wrestling with jealousy, pride, control, anxiety, and much more. By the time I arrived in New York at the end of the summer, our marriage was a mess. I wanted to get into Law School as quickly as possible and needed to prove my worth to the world with my accomplishments, and Brett seemed to be in the way. Within weeks of my move, I was asking for a divorce. Then, I found out we were pregnant with our first child.

I was devastated. I cursed a God I didn’t believe in for giving me a child I didn’t want. I tried to show excitement on the exterior because that was the right thing to do, but on the inside, I felt like my life was over and that this tied me to Brett even further. God, in His Jehovah Sneaky way, began to plant seeds and water those He’d already been placing in my heart. We were connected with a married couples Bible study that was happening for players and their wives and even though I felt what they taught was crazy, I was willing to try something. As August, September, and October went by, I began to get excited about the baby and saw some small specks of hope for our marriage. We talked names and decided if it were a boy, we’d name him Nathan Darrell. (I knew it was a boy in my heart.)

Then, on November 8th, 2007, my whole world was rocked. The baby I had just started falling in love with was gone and so were the tiny bits of hope I had gotten excited about. The doctor told me not to worry, that this is far more common that people think. Problem was, I didn’t know ANYONE who had had a miscarriage like this and I felt completely alone. On the drive home, I clearly heard messages of shame in my mind. My own voice turned on me and told me lies about how it was probably my fault because I didn’t want the baby in the first place. As I started texting my family and friends to let them know I’d lost the baby, shame and fear consumed me. I couldn’t breathe and I certainly couldn’t face it all. As we pulled into our little neighborhood, I told Brett to stop at the liquor store. I purchased all the vodka I could and headed home to drown out the voices that were screaming of my failure.

Back then, I was a functioning drinker. I started the day with a vodka and orange juice (mostly vodka) and could continue through my day sipping to keep a solid buzz until about three or four in the afternoon. Then I would turn it on high and drink until I couldn’t stand straight. Typically, Brett was the only one who would see me this drunk. I was a master of hiding it. I kept a strong mask on for the world, then would fall apart and abuse Brett with my words. I would yell at him if he even dared mention my drinking. I hid a lot from him too, so it took him a while to figure out just how much I was drinking. The real issue was that I couldn’t handle the pain. I had no hope and needed to numb constantly. I drank non-stop every day from November 8th until December 15th, when I sat up out of bed and the Lord said, “Knock it off.”

Sobered and shaken, I started by walking downstairs and dumping every drop of alcohol I had down the drain. I had been learning about God from the other women at the Bible study Brett initially drug me to, but I didn’t know or trust Him. I was afraid He might strike me with a lightning bolt or something, and I didn’t want to risk it. Next, I called a friend from the Bible studies who had told me she had a drinking past. She came over and I outed myself. I told her about my drinking and she prayed with me. The next ten days I spent feeling pretty ill and wondering what was next. Then on Christmas morning, ten days later, I found out I was pregnant again, this time with our daughter, Elle.

I will never forget that morning. First, I had delight and relief. I could get pregnant again! Next, I felt fear of what would happen and what if I did damage to the baby with my drinking? Then the sobering reality hit me like a ton of bricks. God stopped me from drinking and ruining this baby’s life! I had no clue I was pregnant (nor how far along I was yet) and I was drinking myself away, thinking it only affected me. But here I was, carrying the life of another, and God in His incredible mercy intervened and got me to stop drinking! I had no clue what to do with that. At that time, I lived by the law of justice. You get what you deserve and you deserve what you get. You make choices and live with the consequences. I chose to drink heavily and should have had to deal with the consequences of possibly losing another child. Instead, He spoke to me, woke me up, and saved the life of this baby. I didn’t know yet that mercy is getting what you don’t deserve and not getting what you do deserve- but I was fully experiencing it! That day shook every paradigm I lived by at my core. I spent the next couple of months earnestly searching, trying to find this God that was clearly interested in my life.

In early January, we had our first ultrasound and found out the baby was healthy, growing perfectly and that it was due in August. We lived in constant fear of another miscarriage and never spoke of the child we’d lost. We didn’t know how. It felt best to simply move on, but neither Brett’s nor my heart actually could. In February, another couple sponsored us to attend a Christian conference for NFL players and their wives. At that conference, Erwin McManus spoke about a man named Jesus who came to save the lost. This Jesus spent His time with the sinners and rebuked the religious hypocrites of His day. It rocked my world, and my heart shifted. I knew this was the God I wanted to live my life for. So with urgency and excitement, I grabbed Erwin as he finished speaking and told him I wanted to give my life to Jesus! He prayed a prayer with me and encouraged me to get baptized when I got home. I told him I wanted to get baptized now and later that day he water baptized me in the hotel hot tub. I truly felt like a new person!

As my second pregnancy progressed, I found my heart struggling to attach for fear of losing the baby again, but I remained silent about it. In the spring, another wife on the team pulled me aside. In a small whisper she told me she was so sorry for my loss. She told me she knew my pain because she too had suffered a miscarriage before having her children. I thanked her quietly but inside, I raged. I was so angry that she waited so long to say this. I had spent months struggling with the lie that I was the only one who knew this pain. The shame of being the one defect woman in the world that lost a baby was swallowing me up, and here she could have said something, but waited for months.

I realized that day how important it is for us humans to know that someone else can relate to our experience, that we are not the isolated issue, but that someone else can truly empathize with our situation. I decided then that I would speak out loud about our loss.

Shortly after, I went in for the twenty week ultrasound. This is the one you find out the gender and ensure that growth and development is okay. I was nervous. What if they did find a defect of some kind due to my early drinking? Would I ever be able to live with myself? As the tech counted ten perfect fingers and toes, all the organs, and every other perfect little part of my beautiful daughter, my heart was overcome with relief, love, and gratitude. God truly had saved my baby and blessed me with a princess. That night, I had a dream of Elle. In the dream, I was holding her, nursing her, and protecting her. It was the first kiss of unconditional love I’d ever really understood, and I knew I’d never be the same.

That fall, on 8/8/2008, our precious Ellenor Shai was born on Brett’s birthday. It was truly the mark of New Beginnings. I’d given my life to Jesus, our daughter was born healthy and perfect, and our journey of coming to know the Father’s love was well on it’s way. In the years since, God gave us Johnny Brett, resurrected and redeemed our marriage, and took us on a wild adventure of six teams and six years in the NFL. Next, He introduced us to our greatest helper and friend- Holy Spirit, taught us about inner healing, called us to full-time ministry in Nashville, and invited us to have more children. Jesus walked us through two more miscarriages when Timothy Luke and Evelyn Ruth graduated to Heaven (which brought us full circle to actually addressing our loss of Nathan Darrell and healing our hearts fully from these losses) and eventually gave us our sweet rainbow baby, Esther Hope.

As I close, I sit here sobbing with thanksgiving and wonder. Ten years ago, I had no hope. I didn’t even understand what hope could be or mean in my life. Today, I have suffered more loss and endured pain beyond what I thought I could ever handle, yet I am fully alive, awake to the beauty of love and loss, and completely filled with a restored HOPE that I never thought possible. In a decade’s time, Jesus has saved me from myself and filled me with His love. He is my Rock, my Comforter, my Savior, and my Everything. There was a point in 2009 that I was faced with choosing my way or seeking after His (because I still didn’t really know what it was). It was time to make a decision and never turn back. I bought myself a wedding band for my right hand and had “I choose Him” inscribed on the inside. Hands down, seeking Jesus’ presence and His way is the best decision I’ve ever made. The past ten years have changed everything and brought a beauty to my world I never could have imagined. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for the next ten years, because I am truly filled with Hope: the confident expectation of good.

Yes, My Kids Still Like the Baby

Now that Esther is a month old, I have people asking me if our older kids are still doing well with her, or if they still like the baby. I understand the question, but it makes my heart sad. Not only are Elle and Johnny still head-over-heels in love with their baby sister, but their love for her is growing with each day. It’s been a beautiful thing to experience, and all of our hearts are overwhelmed with joy.

When we decided we were done having kids, one of my main reasonings was that I wanted Elle and Johnny to be able to be kids. I feared having more kids significantly later would push Elle into the mother role and I didn’t want that. I wanted her to be a kid with kid responsibilities. Another reasoning was that because we’d lost our first child, Nathan, in a miscarriage in 2007 (nine years ago today, in fact), Brett had the fear of possibly having to go through another loss. Also, he loved the dynamic of our family of four and was afraid of how another baby would upheave that simplicity.

When God started speaking to our hearts about having more children two years ago, one of the biggest points He made to us was that we made the decision to not have more kids partnered with fear, not partnered with Him. I didn’t feel like God was saying I had to have more kids, but rather that He was inviting me to make decision with Him instead of fear of what could happen. In the end, we repented for giving fear space in our decisions and invited God to speak truth and life into our hearts. Jesus reminded me that He is the author of LIFE and He can teach me how to have a family filled with goodness and life for each family member. With that, Brett and I were both filled with an incredible excitement to have more children!

When we told Elle and Johnny that we felt we wanted to have more children and asked what they thought, they were super excited. Elle was six and Johnny was five, but they had some great questions about how it would affect them and our family. We processed each question as they came honestly and sometimes with “I don’t know that yet.” The more we processed it together, the more excited they became and were thrilled to make the announcement once we had conceived our fourth child!

The day we went in for our little Timothy’s routine doctor appointment, Elle and Johnny were with us. They were looking forward to hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, as mom and dad already had, and we were all devastated when there wasn’t one. The kids were confused, we were heartbroken, the whole thing was simply awful. After we left the office, the four of us went to the parking garage and bawled in our minivan, holding each other, and listening to worship music. The kids had questions this time that I couldn’t answer. All I knew to do was to process honestly with them and surrender them to Jesus for the healing their little hearts would need.

Six months later, we had conceived our fifth child, our sweet Evelyn. When it was time for our same appointment, I journaled and asked Jesus whether or not to take the kids. He reminded me He loves them far more than I do, He has them in His hands, and I have nothing to fear for He is still on the throne. So, we asked if they wanted to come, they said yes, and we all headed in declaring life. Sadly, Evelyn had already graduated to Heaven and we went through the exact same horror of the baby having no heartbeat with Elle and Johnny in the room. They had just turned seven and six. It wasn’t fair for their little hearts to endure another heartbreak of this magnitude! I trusted Jesus and now they were hurting and confused all over again. I was angry, hurting, and heartbroken- not only for me but especially for them. I realized quickly that I didn’t know what to do to walk them through it all well and held Jesus to His promises. In an honest prayer, I told Him, “You said you love them more than I do and you have them in Your hand so now it’s Your job to walk them through this. It’s Your job to show me what to do so they don’t end up bitter and distrusting.” Jesus wept with me for weeks and then kindly showed me over time, that declaring the truth that He is Lord over them was actually one of the best parenting moves I’ve made.

As their questions rolled in, I waited on Holy Spirit to give me the answers Elle and Johnny needed. I leaned more on Him in this season than ever before for parenting. I knew I wasn’t equipped to handle this, not to mention I was hurting so deeply myself. All the fears we’d had seemed to be coming true and we didn’t know what to do with that. As a family, we turned to the Prince of Peace for our processing and He was faithful. Elle and Johnny both had encounters with Jesus in their dreams that answered their little heart’s questions and healed their hurts. Holy Spirit showed them their siblings in Heaven and spoke incredible truths to give their minds peace. Elle would get up and paint with Jesus every morning for months and repeatedly see and paint Heaven and our entire family. Johnny would have “knowings” of Heaven that we’d never spoken about. Over time, I watch Jehovah Sneaky working in our family, healing our hearts with gentleness and faithfulness. He never rushed any of us but also never left any of us alone.

Then came the day that Elle and Johnny asked us to try for a baby one more time. I was completely shocked and had no idea how to answer. The two of them pulled us aside, intervention style, and asked me to please try to get pregnant one more time. These poor kids had been through hell and back with us. I couldn’t believe they were suggesting we all go through it again! I tried writing it off that they are just too young, or too naive to understand the ramifications. But I knew that was a lie. The world would tell me they’re just kids and don’t put too much weight on what they ask because it can change in five minutes. But I could sense this was bigger, much bigger. I knew this was a pivotal point in their lives in which they’d either see me shrink back and give up for (completely understandable and valid) fear of more pain OR they’d see me put my trust back in the Lord and allow His love to guide me in my weakness (Heb 10.39).  I knew in my spirit this was something they’d remember forever and I was refilled with a supernatural strength that only a mother can understand.


Brett and I had many conversations, cried many tears, and prayed a LOT. Finally, we gathered our courage and decided to try one more time. We conceived right away, but the battle had just begun. My pregnancies are not easy, but this sixth pregnancy was a whole new level of difficulty. From day one, we endured hardships emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Without question, this was my hardest pregnancy and many times I wondered if I’d make it through. We had to call on loved ones to hold us up in prayer when we doubted we could go on. But we made it, she made it, and now we have this beautiful little gift straight from Heaven!

Elle and Johnny have been smitten all along. Even while I was pregnant, they would talk to and pray for the baby in my belly. This isn’t to say the hardship didn’t affect them, it did. While I was in bed day after day, they missed their mommy. We had to work through more waves of grief, confusion, and lots of questions. But Jesus was faithful with each day. By the time Esther was born, the delight in our family was off the charts. Elle and Johnny, like us, have waited for this baby with hope, heartbreak, patience, and long-suffering. I knew they might need some time to adjust to the new norm of having three children, but so far it’s only been delight and enjoyment. I feared they would feel overlooked, but they are overjoyed. Brett worried it would change the dynamics of our family, and it has in the best of ways. Esther arriving has NOT been a difficulty to endure but a long awaited blessing and gift to receive for ALL of us. So yes, my children are still liking having their baby sister. In fact, her arrival and their love for her has helped to heal all our hearts even more. Our family isn’t perfect, but we are abundantly blessed and thankful. We aren’t afraid to face or process hard things, and we don’t sweep issues under the rug, but we also don’t hesitate to genuinely celebrate. This season has been fought for and prayed for and nothing is going to stand in the way of our full immersion in the joy and delight.





**Maternity Photos by Michael Wessner Photography.

My Beautiful Scars


Brett and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary last week on June 2nd. That day, a friend teasingly asked us to share all the wisdom we’ve gained from being married that long. I have been pondering on that question since, and one thing keeps coming up. I have learned to appreciate and embrace the trials of life as things that grow me into a more beautiful version of who God created me to be, rather than see them as a mark of shame that I cannot hide.

I know all personalities are different and many people probably read my statement above and think I’m stating the obvious. But this was a hard lesson for me. If I could go back twelve years and have a chat with my 18 year old self, I would love to let me know I do not need to fear mistakes or pain. When I was 19, I was carrying with loads of heavy pain that I didn’t have tools to deal with. In the midst of a drinking binge, finding out my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me, and a tough day at school, I decided facing the pain and shame of it all was too much and tried to end my life. Waking up sober in the intensive care unit alive seemed even worse as the shame began to pour in from my small community. I remember reaching out to a God I didn’t know yet for three days and asking Him to let me rewind time. I begged him to let me go back two weeks and make different choices and erase the scarlet letter I’d just embroidered on my own chest- permanently engrained in my skin. I prayed this for three days, but on the third morning, I still woke up in the hospital bed and realized the big guy in the sky wasn’t going to cooperate with my plan to erase my mistake. I decided then that He didn’t exist and I would do it all on my own.

I look back now and see my greatest heart desire was not to learn and grow but to remain perfect, unmarked by life and to show only perfection to the world around me. I was filled with fear of man and controlled by other’s opinions of me. Thankfully, I started seeing a counselor at the time who helped me realize some of this and helped me gather the courage to pursue my dreams of a degree from the University of Utah. That fall, I packed my bags with my tail between my legs and headed back to Salt Lake City for another try. This time, I swore off boys and was determined to graduate with honors and get into law school as quickly as possible. I met Brett the night before our classes started.

When Brett and I were dating, one of our constant arguments was that he wanted to be the never ending class clown and I wanted to portray that we had it all together at all times. I would criticize what he wore, what he said, how he behaved, and it drove him crazy. Obviously, the choices he made to live a secret life are his responsibility, but I look back now and can understand part of what drove him to hide so much from me. Due to my own insecurities, I attempted to control his every move and he was dying for some freedom. This never leads to a healthy marriage. By our first anniversary, I wanted a divorce as he was driving me crazy. By our second anniversary, I had given my life to Christ and He was making some big changes in me. I was slowly morphing more into the version of me that I was created to be. By our third anniversary, Brett was beginning to come under the conviction of the Holy Spirit and shortly thereafter, he confessed to having lived a double life the past few years. He’d been lying to me about almost everything. As he sat in our home, pouring out the truth, walking in the light, and asking me to give Jesus the chance to save our marriage, I kept thinking of the “mark” this was tainting our marriage with. I knew we’d never be the same clean cut, picture perfect, adorable American family I dreamt of us always being. We had a real problem that could end it all if it wasn’t dealt with in truth and in the light. I was heartbroken to say the least.

We spent the next 18 months in intensive counseling with a Spirit filled psychologist who didn’t put up with my control issues. During that time, we began to choose Christ, His ways, and each other. I repented for wanting “perfection” more than the beautiful reality that was in front of me and began to slowly embrace the life I was living. I began to choose Brett as he is rather than trying to make him fit the mold I thought he should be. Our counselor nearly screamed at me one day telling me it wasn’t my job to define a man or who Brett should be as a man. That was Brett and Jesus’ job alone and I’d better get out of the way so they can work it out together. (Wives, this is a powerful truth that has changed my marriage. If you don’t yet know this, learn it and walk it out as soon as possible. I know it is opposite of what our American culture teaches today, but it is truth and life to your husband, marriage, and children.)

Fast forward a few years to 2012. Brett and I had been bouncing all overt the country for his NFL career. We hadn’t spoken publicly about our marriage issues yet but we weren’t keeping them secret either. At a conference at our church, the key speaker called us up to share our testimony then honored us in front of hundreds of people and invited them to “sow into our marriage if they wanted one like ours.” We lost count of the people who came up to honor us and give us money for a late honeymoon over the next couple of days. My heart was wrecked. What I had previously seen as our greatest failure was now being celebrated by complete strangers as a major triumph. You see, that is what a life with Jesus can be. Now matter our failure, our blunder or our mistake- Jesus can work it for good. It doesn’t matter what pain we endure, loss we experience or death we face, Jesus can redeem, restore, and reconcile everything and anything that we give to Him. He has no limit other than the things we choose to withhold from Him.

As a hurting and lost 19 year old girl, I begged Him to erase my mistake of a suicide attempt and never let anyone know about it. His plans were so much greater. He has since removed every drop of shame and filled me with a love and compassion that is from Him for the lost and broken. That scarlet letter I embroidered on my chest so many years ago is now a faded scar that reminds me of His kindness, His superior plan, and His sovereignty over my life and other’s lives. It reminds me I do not need to fear my failures, but look to Him for all my answers. He is a good Father who cares for us far more than we can imagine. No matter how many times we stumble and “mark” ourselves, He is the great physician who comes in to do surgery, make repairs, and renew everything to better than it started. Some might ask, “then why would there still be scars?” Because that is our proof that we’ve been there, done that and come out even better on the other side. I have a scar from birthing both my children via cesarean section. I do not look at that scar with disdain but with pride of knowing I helped birth life through my body. I partook in a beautiful and crazy experience called birth and no one can take that from me. And now, I look back at Brett and my first 10 years of marriage and marvel at the beauty of the scars we bear together. Some are more recent and still healing. Some are faded and only we know they ever existed really. But they are all beautiful. They mark our journey thus far and although I do not wish for more pain or heartache in our future, I no longer fear the mistakes, learning lessons, and journey I know is ahead of us- marks and all.