Today is the day we would have delivered Timothy Luke via a scheduled c-section. My heart feels sad that I won’t get to hold him, meet him, nurse him, and celebrate him as we introduce him to the world. I wonder what he’d look like as a newborn and I keep imagining he’d have weighed 8lbs 8oz. I am sad Elle and Johnny won’t get to come to the hospital to meet their baby brother today, I won’t get to share pictures of him on social media, and my mom isn’t here to join in on the special occasion. I had dreams for what it would all be like back in January when we started this journey of having more kids. Now, 9 months have passed but we are still in the beginning stages of that dream. Of the past 9 months, I have spent 5 of it really sick and fatigued with first trimesters of pregnancies and the other 4 months mourning the loss of our son. It’s been a heavy 2015 and I am feeling ready for some celebration.
I love that in the midst of grieving and hardship, we have been real with our emotions, never hiding from them but always allowing Jesus to come in and make a trade for life and light. We have also continued to live life and enjoy what we do have. Not in an avoiding or numbing way, but sincerely recognizing that we can be heartbroken and enjoy life simultaneously. I hope we’ve done well to process in a healthy way and have taught Elle and Johnny they need not be afraid of their emotions, nor controlled by them. I hope we’ve shown them what it looks like to partner with Jesus and welcome the Holy Spirit to come minister to our bodies, minds, and spirits in mourning.
Today, we mourn another (and possibly the biggest) milestone we dreamed of with Timothy Luke. Tomorrow, we have our 12 week appointment with the new little gift of life God has blessed us with. Last week I was attacked by fear of all the “what ifs” for this appointment (it was at our 12 week appointment we found out Timothy Luke had no heartbeat 6 months ago). As I journaled with the Lord, Jesus gave me two instructions:
I was to stop meditating on all the “worse case scenarios” and instead dream big and meditate on all the “best case scenarios” (i.e. the desires of my heart).
I am to meditate on the the promise He has spoken to me in this season: THE BEST IS YET TO COME (and trust Him for it!)
As I have chosen to do these things, as I’ve chosen to enter into worship, and as I have been vulnerable and shared my heart with trusted people, the fear has fallen off and I have been filled with renewed hope and joy. So, today, I will give myself space to grieve and tomorrow I will give myself permission to celebrate- even before we hear that perfect and strong 12 week heartbeat!
Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.