One year ago today, Brett and many lovely friends threw me a party to celebrate my 30th birthday. Due to sickness and weather, lots of the party details changed last minute and it was a bit stressful, but we choose to have fun and stayed up into late hours of the night dancing with some of our closest friends. I was pregnant with our daughter, Evelyn, at the time and was filled with delight and expectation for the coming year!
Days later, we headed into the doctor for a routine prenatal appointment. My greatest nightmare came true: we found no heartbeat in our daughter’s tiny body. Only six months earlier we had lost our son, Timothy, the same way. It was as if I were reading a tragic story about a couple going through the worst thing imaginable, but it wasn’t fiction. It was my real life. As we did ultrasounds and prepared for another surgery to remove my baby’s body from my womb, we asked at what point had Evelyn’s heart stopped beating. “September 26th” they responded. It felt like salt in the wound. I had been celebrating my 30th birthday, dancing and rejoicing with friends, thanking God for the new life that grew in my womb, all while having no idea my baby girl had passed that same day.
I had a dream of Evelyn before we knew she had passed where I got to meet her. She was a gorgeous baby, with brown hair and adorable features. It was a long dream where I held her, nursed her, and sang to her. She was full of peace and I knew she was such a gift. I was smitten. I think back to that dream often and am filled with sadness and gratitude. It’s such a gift to have met Evelyn in my dreams, and I sometimes wonder if my third daughter, Esther, will look at all like her big sister.
Today has been an emotional day. In just one week, I will be holding my sixth child, alive, in my arms. I am ECSTATIC! I am over the moon excited for her birth! But today, I can’t help but think of my other sweet children I won’t get to birth. The children I won’t get to take pictures of and post to social media to show the world. I have three precious children I only know in my heart, and for that I am a bit sad.
After Timothy passed, we did a community Celebration of Life service. I’d also had a dream where I met him and needed to share how real he is/was with our friends and loved ones. After Evelyn passed, we couldn’t bring ourselves to put another service together. I don’t know if it was the losing two babies in six months that was too hard, or the fact that she was a girl, or what other things factored in. But after losing Evelyn, Brett and I were broken. We just couldn’t seem to pull it together, and in a way, we didn’t care to try.
There is a song “We Dance” by Bethel Music that I have listened to hundreds of times the past year. The lyrics have sustained me through hours and hours of crying, heartbreak, and helped to reset my heart to truth: “I’ve been told to pick up my sword and fight for love. Little did I know that Love had won for me… When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost, you spin me around and around and remind me of that song you wrote for me and we dance…and I will lock eyes with the One Who’s ransomed me, the One who gave me joy for mourning. And I will lock eyes with the One who’s chosen me, the One Who set my feet to dancing.”
I hoped, declared, and believed this past year was going to be one of immense blessings and joy. I literally danced my way into my 30s and then crashed hard to the floor and, at times, wasn’t sure I’d ever actually get up. But here I am, five days from my 31st birthday, seven days (or less) from the birth of my daughter, and I find myself completely alive, completely hope-filled, completely faithFUL of the goodness of God. This past year has been one of my toughest and most trying. Between heartbreak, pregnancy complications and sickness, and the process of mourning and battling fear, this past year (and more) has felt like one low valley. But I am still here and with every passing day that I have chosen to worship and praise Him, He has faithfully walked me through the valley and restored my Hope that seemed so lost. He’s truly given me joy for my mourning and set my feet to dancing again!
As excited as I am to welcome my birthday, the next year of life and the amazing life that is about to be birthed, it felt important to take a moment to remember those we have said goodbye to and also the faithfulness of God that has walked me/us through every tear. Jesus is good, He is faithful, and He is worthy of it all.
Nathan, Timothy, and Evelyn- I cannot wait to see you all face to face when I get to Heaven. Mommy loves you and remembers you every day. I will never forget you.
Esther Hope- thank you for being our sixth child. We are beyond excited to welcome you to our family this week and so appreciate the hope that you and Jesus have restored in our lives.